its funny how at Christmas time, our human nature devolve ourselves into a sign of the times. we show our greatest potential at this time. we give way to mercy and compassion. we give way to love and the seasons. we see a small glimpse of what we are capable of for just a few short weeks where selfish convictions go by the wayside and we determine ourselves in the spirit of giving. we awaken on Christmas morning, sometimes with the giddy laughter we had as a child sometimes with the warmth of our hearts, simply applied from a smile and a sense of joy. we have a love and sympathy for the suffering in the world. we poor our change into donations at the little red can outside the shop as a volunteer rings in the generosity with one quick swing of his or her’s bell like a reindeer sleighing through on Christmas Eve. But this will all fade. Once the holidays are over that change that come over us for a brief shiny few weeks will melt away like the snow in the April. and with it, so will everything else. every year, the story ends the same. we start the year on a high note. full of dreams and acting the role of a fool as a dreamer and every year it ends the same. thats just human nature. and thats just the way we are.

oh dear, my loves.

I have neglected you. so much has happened, so little I assume you’re interested in.

through out the months, I’ve donated time and money to the barack obama campaign, while I may not have worked the hours that come of my peers did, I still did my part up until election day. and I am glad, for once, to see results that has worked in my favor. in 2006, I felt a glimmer of hope was coming and it became a watershed moment on the path to a new era of liberalism in America.

anyways. I’ve been a funk. lately. I feel like a very little person. someone recently referred to me as the ‘ugly one’ and it shattered my confidence like no other. I’ll admit. the last two years haven’t been the most successful. I shouldn’t measure mine agaisnt someone else but its discouraging. I’ve had nothing. for two years. I’ve been alone. and its been lonely. the battle seems very hard and trying.

on friday, a friend of mine gave me the answer I suspected about her friend. that there just isn’t any interest beyond a possibly small physical one that is probably just a moment of fleeting desires for something of fulfillment to help out a need. There’s been a lot of these lately. I used to feel above the fray and now, I feel like a tiny little person in a world where nobody is even aware of me. I could go on and on. and I don’t think it would be noticeable.

I dunno maybe I’ll find another person. maybe I won’t. I’ve started to give up as a man. lonliness won’t be cured by anyone but myself. lately, I feel like I’ve been in a state of a dream or a very serene nightmare. I’ve desired for that ever lasting search for reverie only to be let down by the revelation. often times, my confidence was being fed together by some Amniotic fluid that I am unable to hold some sort effable hold onto what I want. its quite a disaster for me lately.

in a perfect world, this band, this pursuit of love would seem to me a dream. a dream where I outlive and perform the dream in all of its glory and pitfalls but along the way, the creatures of the dark have been coming forward and creeping their way about the stage where my performance is being held.

I know I could look back at these days if I am older and think about it as a lost proposition for something more. I could wonder and wander aimlessly and think about the songs I never wrote, the play I never starred in, the painting I never began.

I don’t really want to think about it. but it creeps one me. most of all I fear, in a way that could seem devastingly possible, is about the missed opportunity of a love that I never proposed to.

I could write and write this and this could be the minor key ballad of the end credits of when my show is complete. it might possibly be, about all the chances I’ve missed.

Life to me seems to be a never ending teasing filled with playfullness and tragedy. the tragedies are what we make of it. we remember the good and the beautiful on our death beds. those last instances, where we have a chance to die in peace with those of the ones we loved by our side, we remember in a flash all of the wonderful things in all of those little places where we would go out and play.

yet we remember the tragedy for a life time.

for me…the tragedy at the moment lies in my lonliness and fiancial peril. to me the beautiful woman with a big smile. the one I so dearly miss and have never met.

In my age of 21, I decided while living alone in apartment in the ghetto of Daly City to immerse myself in the readings of Oscar Wilde and George Bernard Shaw. I really had no other friends except the imaginary ones I read about wondered why those adventures were not mine. there was one quote in particular, which was the basis for non-basis of this post.

You see things as they are and ask, “Why?” I dream things as they never were and ask, “Why not?”

- George Bernard Shaw

forgive me if you feel I’m going to jinx this. but could this be their year?

now I only say this to you in superficial terms in terms asthetic pleasing. as I don’t live in the city nor do I know of any other inter workings or interests in their local politics. I can’t quoted for community trends, inward observations other than that I have read from a national level. 

but I can say with some qualification is that, I believe that, this year could be their year.

the year a bi-racial president is elected and with one voice, we say to the world, that we have walked away from our past. we have moved onto into the 21st century and that together as Americans, we have shown years of progress that have finally culmulated into the first bi-racial and african american President. a man who is the essence of movement and a child of a new world order in which the color of your skin is no longer seen as the factor of your ability to delievery on promise and change. that the sins of an older generation are slowly being cleansed from the stain of our fingers and the lingering conservative nature of our conscientiousness is no longer a viable solution to the problems that face our country. that together, black, white, latino that we can extend the hands to our brothers and sisters and find a sense of opportunity for advancement and that nothing, no one and no place is ever going to hold us back. that he became who he was from an international stage and owned his craft in one of the most of racially segregated cities in America, is testament to the breaking down of barriers that were often seen as too high to climb and too hard to overcome. 

and yet here he is. the first minority to ascend to the top of a presidential ticket. on the precipice of a victory in the most important election in 20 years. when historians look back at this year, they will see that when handed this opportunity, America, rose up, stood up and together, we said ‘yes, we can.’ when offered a chance to show to the past and declare to the future that the American dream and the american promise is still there and its not just available to the elite. but available to all. 

even the Blackhawks have come back from the graveyard of sports team dynasty. with shrew drafting and a promising young core of players from their goalie to Patrick Kane to Brian Campbell, this team is lock and loaded like the Ducks team of 2007. they’re young, brash and full of a glow intended only to shine in June in hoisting up Lord Stanely’s Cup, the most revered trophy in sports. in a game that is played with speed and finesse this club has the options, and the depth and the team to come out on top. by adding a top of the line defenseman with suberb offensive skills like watching Tom Brady on ice, its a wonder why many others in Chicago don’t see it coming. but coming, they are. and mark my words, they could be hoisting the Stanely Cup in June. with a ticker tape parade. processions in the streets and hatchets all but buried on a past that many will soon forget like an old receipt. they’re ready for it. and for anyone else that stands in their way as well.

yet in the rest of the city, the population is preparing for sports in a fashion that hasn’t been around since world war II. the city is quickly becoming a sports hot bed filled with teams with the potential to succeed and claim victory. its universities are creating a furor in the college sports world with competing teams and its professional level can possibly claim four championships this year. from the MLS Chicago Fire, who’s spirited and passionate fans chant in unison like a choir preaching to the faithful that a championship is due and that their very own superstar, a jocose figure of a man, Blanco is far more entertaining that a shirtless Brit from Los Angelese. They are coming toward a championship.

Even the Chicago Bears are seen as possible contenders two years removed from their last Super Bowl appearance. re armed and re tooled the team is ready for it again. with menacing juggernauts in their ways, the team has improved a flaky offense and regroup and reunited a defense considered one of the best in the league. With Urlancher and co. ready to rush the gates, they’re a team to be seen.

but most of all, what is Chicago without its too cursed teams? the Sox and Cubbies are seen together fighting for their baseball lives as a season hangs on in the balance. much like a horse race that goes the distance or the tortoise that runs agaisnt the hare, the Cubs and the Sox are ready for battle and are approaching the post season with a cautious optimism that can only be found in the forum of Wrigley Field. The Cubs will flirt for the first time with a championship with a team armed with a brimming confidence last seen on the idiots of the Boston Red Sox of 2004. Curses? to them, they’re not even old enough to remember such a time or even have the word tattooed to their conscience. yet they bulldoze on to a finish line with very little in resistence, a team from top to bottom the darling of the league and built meticulously through trades, drafts and sacrifice. for the first time since 2003, the team is entering with high hopes and high expectations and the league is waiting for it to happen. 

may this be the year that Chicago rose to its feet and said. ‘yes, we can.’

so

I haven’t updated this in about two months. I wish I could say that I’ve been busy. but I haven’t and the handful of people that reads this have left me comments asking if I’m still alive. its not to say I don’t go on this site at all. not the truth. I still read everyone’s livejournals everyday from gordianknot to datingxperiment, etc. but truthfully nothing has really engaged me in myself to want to write about myself and at times I’m often trying to figure what I want to write about.

I mean, do people actually like hearing about my personal life? I know the purpose of this blog is to write about oneself, I guess and not really care if anyone else cares bc quite frankly, this is a personal experience and a personal narrative. so I guess with that I will write about the breakdown of the summer.

starting with June…

the Month of June:

when the beginning of the month began, I had high hopes and somewhat dashed hopes for the summer. I thought for sure that I would find ‘the one.’ as cliche as that sounds, I’ve been single for two years. and while that isn’t a terrible long time and while I’m not longing for a mate, truthfully, at times the very idea of having to be attached to someone else can be distracting to me and I feel like I’m better off alone. but the fact that I had these summmer resolution like a drunk at new years feeling like ‘this year will be the year.’ I did little else besides searching out for new people or someone to meet. unfortunately, I’ve come to realize for all the hype of San Francisco being a singles capital and a wonderful place for people meeting people, I’ve come to realize this is only really true if you’re a woman from the Marina or a homosexual male. bc for a straight male, it isn’t easy. for its never been easy to meet someone.

but this is besides the point of this post. but as the month began, I thought, I will meet someone, I will work hard and I will go to summmer school. I did only one of those things. I worked hard. but I didn’t get into the class I want and took an online class instead as an elective. but I still don’t have the core done. and I won’t even after this fall bc I found out I didn’t even make the cut. But June held a lot of moments. While most nights were spent working and the days were spent in a lazy haze underneath the grey clouds of a city that doesn’t know the word ’summer’ I still had a considerable amount of mirth for a guy who had really nothing to do at all. I made the most of what little I had and what friends I could tolerate.

yet June abated something more unusual. the affairs of my friends and their liasons with others proved to be the storytelling feature of the summer. my mutual interest, I introduced two friends, Steve and Nicole, into each others lives, thinking, they would be a good fit. and in the beginning, I was right. they actually met eachother on St. Patrick’s Day but at the time, Steve was seeing someone else and wasn’t really interested in meeting anyone else. so she went unnoticed until I brought it back up to the attention of Steve again, who was slowly working himself back into my good graces after dropping out of the birthday celebrations for no apparent good reason.

As Steve and Nicole talked and hung out, something seem to spark. one drunken night, I encouraged Nicole to text Steve. and Steve, replied, quickly. and they began a texting, punch-drunk love soon thereafter. throughout the month of June, they visited and made feeble attempts on a cold war of a ‘you blink first then we’ll see whose in control’ type of dance. its sad but true. yet the two of them weren’t the most interesting drama of them all, not with Molly’s fall from grace from her intense infatuation with my roommate starting to hit its breaking point and seeing Justin lose moral standing amongst all of his friends. it was all a very complicated month to be seeing everyone have all of their ‘problems’ yet, I simply didn’t have any of my own. I’ve come to find out, I never have much and most of the times, I simply don’t have it in me to tell them what troubles me bc I know the conversation will always return to being about something else thats far more interesting. so there really is no point in telling them.

and like last month, I was always expected to listen and never really talked.

I also started seeing someone albeit, very briefly. this simply didn’t work out. as much as I wish it did. I saw far too many warning signs and new it was simply for the best that we didn’t make this happen. on the surface, she’s quite a good fit. social, funny, smart (she got her undergraduate degree from Johns Hopkins Medical School) and focused. she was in many ways the many attributes I liked in a woman. and she adored me. complimented me on everything from my ‘doll shaped’ lips, to my hands and the way my voice carries in excitement, she knew how to make me feel like a million dollars.

but she was confusing. and at many times, I simply felt I was a stop-gap for something better for her. she would tell me on many occasions that I shouldn’t fall for her, and I shouldn’t get too attached to her. I took this literally and pointed out to her that I don’t fall hard and distance myself emotionally in the beginning to not be attached. apparently, this wasn’t what she wanted to hear pulsate from my lips.

she also said other things that simply weren’t appealing later on. the list is long. after hearing my friends in the background, she declared that ’she probably wouldn’t get along with my friends.’ bc she heard them talking about their first wives club problems. she also declared on many occasions that she was having reservations about me. what these were, I was confused bc often times they were things she said she liked about me. but she told me she was needing to have building blocks for a future. and this was the first alarm bell and the first of my suspicions and with her friends engaged and others married and others living together, I could simply see the heat was on for her to join the crowd and not be the old maid of the group.

that nite, set off a flurry and I was left more confused by it all. finally one morning, I woke up to one more conversation of her having ‘doubts’ about me and something in me cut the strings holding up my heart. it sank and drowned after hearing that she had plan to go to canada to have a short romantic rendez-vous with her ex. to me, that was it. I told her it was okay. but it wasn’t. I wasn’t jealous. just dumbfounded as to why she would say this other than to get rid of me. and it worked.

yet, she sooned texted and emailed me in a flurry. hoping for me to stick around but I decided to detach myself from the whole thing. and slowly, I did. I only saw her once more after that to see if anything could salvaged from it all. the lunch went well but the key moment was when we were walking closer to her work and she simply didn’t want to be seen holding hands with me in front of people. that was the final moment and after that, I was resigned. she simply wasn’t that interested. if she were, she wouldn’t have said the things she had said about me and she wouldn’t have acted the way she did.

unfortunately, this story wasn’t as one sided. I could’ve acted differently in ending it. instead of simply just cutting out and not leaving a word behind me except the small silouette shadow shaped like a question mark. but for the most part, there wasn’t much to add. it was simply over. do I regret it? no, not at all. she’s a wonderful person. but we simply put, didn’t mesh. she wants things I can’t give her and has certain expectations, I knew I could never meet. that isn’t a terrible thing. its just life. you don’t always fit the box that is built.

I hold no ill will and if I saw her, I wouldn’t avoid her. I had fun and she’s really great. she’s going to be very successful. but we’re just not each others type. said sadly.

yet the month of June was simply settling down for an even more dramatic July. you figure by my age things like this should be going away. but they’re not. it seems the older we get and the more free time we have on our hands, its simply getting worse. unprepared emotionally for growing up, everyone reverts back to their childhood and adolescent trends that kept interesting in those years and are bringing them back like a hipster who loves retro trends and intends to be seen in them simply to stand out.

yet for all the twists and turns of June. from my friends graduating, to people from NY visiting. the end of the month, simply lumps over into July portion.

JULY

the end of June/July would be the beginning of this markers.

toward the end of June, my roommate would surprise me at work by saying he was going out with Moses and a few of his friends from out of town and the rest of the crew at Zeitgeist. as I made my slow jaunt from exhausted work night, I careened around the corner and saw a rather huge mass of people. a sprinkle of people I simply didn’t recognize. that sprinkle of people would prove to be the highlight of my summer. as I sat down, I didn’t say anything to these three people. I didn’t know who they were with and they weren’t really saying a word. so I continued to make an arse out of myself in front of them bc I was delirious from an exhasting night and there are times when I’m just in the mood to let out and bellow the frustrations I had with sarcasm and bellicose behavior.

As Moses ascended to give me a hug, he introduced me to his two friends and ex-gf. Mara, Paola and Gabirella. I’m not going to lie, when I first met them, I was a bit dumbfounded and intrigued. I simply thought we had situated ourselves on accident between three women. as Mara and Paola introduced themselves, I couldn’t hear them and it wasn’t until we got home that I heard what their real names were. Mara introduced herself and then inquisitively asked me about my life and my story. I found out they were visiting from NY with no real plan and no real guide except that they had planned to be in each city for a certain amount of days and were going to wing it from there. now, having just recently hosted some other strangers, I conferred with Justin that they should stay with us. if I were in their situation (I have been), I would hope someone would do the same.

as they muddled through their options, they decided to opt to stay with us. for their part, I decided, I would try my hardest to show them the sights, sounds and citizens of my hometown. I took a few days off and drove them up to Napa. it was a plainly hot day and we were only able to make to four wineries. after about the third one the exhaustion was evident on their saturine faces and we decided we had to make haste to Berkeley to drop them off for their night out at a tree house. when Justin and I saw this place, we decided that they wouldn’t be there long and it made our small apartment look like the ritz. so clearly, we were right. while they said it wasn’t bad staying there, we knew it wasn’t good either. but its an experience, nonetheless. as they returned to us later that evening, we took them out to Eagle’s, so that they could see our neighborhood bar and just relax while they were here.

the next few days was spent shuttling around the city and taking them to the Ins and Outs of certain views and certain districts of the city. they ate at all of my favorite spots from Citrus Club, Sai Jai Thai, Bisap Baobob, Guerro’s Sandwich Shop, HIME Japanese Restaurant, El Buritto Expresso, Pancho Villas, Mitchell’s Ice Creamshop, Steps of Rome, Justin’s own homecooked meal, Boulevard Cafe, etc. I took them everywhere and in all such ways possible, without nary a complaint. it was simply put, a lot of fun. as we begged for them to stay longer and avoid leaving us, Justin and I knew that the fun couldn’t last. and these two were simply a lot of fun. I’ve never met a pair I actually enjoyed and looked forward to and developed one of those strange ‘friend-crush’ types on. where all you want to do is hang out with them in a platonic sense.

we took them to Popscene as well, where they could see and develope their own sense of pretension in San Francisco. While it might not be NY, it was simply put, an interesting experience. we got there early and left there early. the last nite, I had to work and I got off as early as I could. I took them to my favorite bar, UpTown. by the time, they were inheibriated from their night out with a friend who lived in SF. Paola is all over the place and just so wildly funny, with many off the wall remarks. Mara in and of herself is already a jocose person without becoming fully fescennine or ribald in her remarks and yet ever equiped with a quick sense of wit. so deftly adroit with her words and perspicaciously in her oberservations of others, it was hilarious to see it unfold even more so when she was in a bit of a toxic state.

but the two of them left our apartment and Justin and I remarked how empty it felt without the two of them there, after being fixtures for 8 days. as they left, July came forth and they went off to Portland where they mounted Helen and visited my sister up in Seattle for a night during the Fourth of July. where I believed they had fun. apparently one of the dogs peed on them but I dunno. it was funny to hear them complain about the weather of the west coast though. so much for the stereotype of surf, sun and parties. but thats SF.

as they left, the skies cleared and Fourth of July rang true near the corner. Steve and Nicole blossumed forward with thier relationship and quickly started to come to the fro. We had a marvelous albeit low key party in Chez Whipple. Where we had BBQ and Beers. Talked about the menial topics of the day and questioned eachother on whom would be chosen as Barack Obama’s VP. We ended up all being wrong with the exception of Steve, who always felt it was going to be Biden. I had inkling it might’ve been Richardson. But I was wrong, again.

the next day, we all participated in going to the Giants game. It was a night game where we all had tickets and sat in seperate seats. the night gave way to me with the sickness where I departed home for a bit only to remerge later at the bar and join the rest of the crowd which had quickly turn into one woman, Nicole and seven guys. Not that there was anything wrong with that but our once large crowd became rather small.

the game in of itself was grand. Barry Zito returned to his old form, for just one nite and the Giants won a tense game that went back and forth. surprisingly, Giants won. It was a rather interesting night. the rest of July was meant kicking a friend off of his crutches and helping him explore a world without a girlfriend. after he had admitted to have outside relations with a friend and told her he simply put, couldn’t do it anymore. he was back to square one. and it was steadfast too.

Justin spiraled down in July. it was alarming to see the pace of it all. the weeks and nights passed by with gyms, sandwiches, friends and a visit to Sacramento. not much of any detail to be entertaining you with. as July nights turned into August, the days all meshed together forming a single summer that simply bled together and left me with no adventures or tall tales to write about for once. my dreams of making a roadtrip were once again dashed due to friends remaining non-committal and lacking any desire except for the self-serving one they attested for leaving only Donald and I as the only ones who wanted to make the journey but had no place to stay. I guess if I have tonite off I should set recourse and head off to Santa Cruz but it would be much more of an adventure if we were to drive off to someplace like, LA? why not? I don’t have class until tuesday. everyone has monday off. what else would there be to do?

September approaches and the time will come when I ask Papa Bear for a favor. employment. possibly. but we’ll see.

I planning on going somewhere. well, I have to. I have elevate credit and I might have to use it soon. I would like to go to Boston. I haven’t been since I was a child. it would be rather nice to see the city as the leaves change colors and the foilage moves from green to autumn and actually occasion myself to such picturesque beauty for once. it would be far removed from the chilly falls that permeates the falls of Sacramento or the Indian Summer that is Fall in San Francisco. Where everyone heads to the beach and everyone wears a t shirt. the giants games become bareable and the rest of the city snatches up the sales for a winter of discontent and malcontent. as those driven to singlehood for another cold and lonely winter brace themselves with shopping, drinking and get togethers on date nights.

oh what a world my parents gave me!

I have a confession to admit.

I feel sick. really sick. I’ve been trying to hide it but for intents and purposes. at times, the pain is unbearable. I try to hide it. it comes and goes. yesterday it was there and saturday it was worse. I vomited at work and felt like I couldn’t drive or see properly.

I dunno what’s going on but I feel physically, like I’m falling apart. a part of me wants to go see a dr now. and a part of me believes it will just pass. I believe it will. but at times like today, I just feel like going to sleep. but everything seems to be a dizzying something.

my side aches. my stomach has been feeling as though anytime I eat can’t be kept down without some sort of fight. I don’t urinate with consistency. and its frequency is alarming. if I had to really describe it on a scale, it would be an 11 at times. like saturday nite.

today its been okay. but who knows tomorrow.

Summer has really started to hit. the late days. I love them.

a few things to touch down on. I realize I know certain people that do read this blog. even if its meant to be purely a cathartic thing but for me, its all the realeasing of some pent up anger and aggression, mostly toward people I don’t know or everyone else doesn’t know.

the one thing that has bugged me lately has been the election and a two topics that do come to mind.

one is the term of elitism that is being bandied about as if it was some sort of insult. at one time, elitism used to be a word of admiration as we all aspired to work hard and become part of the elite. the elite to me weren’t the snobby rich old money colonialist sons and daughters. to me it was people who worked hard for their money. they worked hard in school and worked hard at home. they fought and made it to the top. and for that, they have earn our respect for not being part of some social circle mearly a hero to the many as a member of the few.

now, many people are using this term as some sort of insult. kind of in the sad way that we mock people who pursue knowledge and taunt them and call them nerds or geeks. to me, thats a badge of honor, to be considered someone who is the constant pursuit of knowledge and has a general interest in continual learning. for others, its a disparaging remark that is bad as a racial slur. I dunno where this comes from.

but I dunno about you but I kind of want a member of the elite running this country. if a doctor is going to perform my knee surgery, I want an elite surgeon. and if someone’s going to be elected President I certainly don’t want it to be one of my friends either. I mean, my friends are smart people but not educated enough to be an elite president. you wouldn’t want your best friends as President, right?

the other thing that has been coming up is race.

an article came up that had a dilemma of either calling Barack from the bi-racial category or as black. which to choose? the media has dubbed him as black. but he always calls on his white heritage as well. people say he considers himself a black man, but does he really? I think everyone else without a brain does. is he a black man? yes. is he also a white man? yes.

I mean, I believe this will be a central issue in the times to come. it wasn’t until recently did I see a check mark on the box that asked me if I was beyond ‘other.’ I mean, I saw ‘two or more races’ in 2004 for the first time ever. it excited me. I went through that weird phase my entire life trying to decide what race I really am. am I asian? but my last name is Johnson? am I white? but most of the relatives I grew up with are asian. so what am I? Asian see me as nothing other than white. they see my eye shapes and nose and automatically assume that I’m white. White people see me and they think I’m either latino or something else. and are puzzled at reading my name aloud.

I dunno. now I’m just plain pissed now that I’ve written this.

In happy news. I’ve started seeing someone. now I know that I don’t ever comment on my personal life. but lately, I’ve been in a pretty good mood. the flowers seem to smell different, the sun seems to shine in a different direction and for the most part, there is a stirring of confidence in the year. I dunno if its a combination of things.

but for the most part. she’s pretty amazing. and thats all I can say about that. I could say more. but I’ll save those praises and admirations for her.

http://forafriend.tumblr.com/ is my other blog from tumblr bc the other one just got too clogged with crap. so go for this one for pictures. its nice.

anyways, I’m going to make an attempt to string for a study break probably with futile failure. but I guess I’ll try going to bed if all else fails.

I haven’t updated this thing in a long time.

I also realized with my thickness in regards to grammer, that its no small feat I receieved an email why I had discontinued this blog. I haven’t. neglected? yes. I have. but not on purpose merely bc my thoughts and ideas have been distracted and have given way to other projects, people and personalities. its been a trying month. the month of may has been and its barely over. too many issues, tribulations and desires have been accumilating for months at the very chance to be discovered.

this is not far off. but one has to be aware. one story brings me to my mind. a story with so many twists and turns, its a wonder that anyone can ever really trace where it veered so terribly off course. of course, many know this anguishing story of love and lust. no, this story is not autobiographical but it is instead a story where the two main characters are not me at all or some sort of analogy for me. I will bore you details of my own stories later on in the post.

but as for this story. I wrote this for my final paper. I’ve broken it down a bit.

one day a man, heartbrokened after many months, decided to exonerate himself from his past failures and decided the time to move forward was coming. no longer loathing into self-dount and self-conscieness, he decided his time had come and he was ready to embrace a woman as a partner.

no longer could he absolve himself from trials and tribulation of a relationship or remit watchfullness to a degree that promote the most slackerish of tendency in terms of nuture and care for someone else. as early as possible, he decreed he was back in the game. at this turn of a events entered a woman. she too herself, having been badly burned decided, she would remain cautious but possibly optimistic. what was to go on? I had hardly the clue but I figured a more formal introduction could be had.

so two meet up, cautiously. the woman decides, she had been burn onced by someone who had a relationship with me and therefore, trust and faith in my prospect had to be given at arms length, as much as she wanted to submit to the alter, get down to one knee and opine for delieverence and faith, she merely couldn’t bear to stomach one more. the twist of another nocent wound that would heal but eventually turn into a scar.

feeling contrite to her plight, as only I can, I decide to merely nudge but not push. while I build him up a little, a direct declaration is made on her part. she remains tutelary to her own ambitions and without hesitation, sticks to it. this is extended and worded to the man. the man, takes this at face value, and doesn’t show a inch of movement in his reponse. his face weathered and worn down, had expected this wouldn’t be it. the woman’s response, muted as well.

they engage. what happens becomes a matter of speculation. assisted by our lively imaginations and there limited comments on the matter, none of the spectators involve are able to paint a picture of their happenings. but as quickly as it started, it was supposively over in my mind. the man meets another and decides to engage with her. seeing her as the safe and relative reliable pick of the two, he moves on. for reasons, that still remain foreign to the me, the woman, is casted to the side. a sidenote I would not know was happening. as far as I knew, it was mutual. she simply wanted no part of a committement.

but she became peccant. and she knew it. months later, there I was, shamefaced at the whole ordeal. yet, I feel exculpated. my involvement was minimal esp. as I became one of the last to figure out this mystery. unfortunately, during the interweaving months, the woman, her interest grew and grew. unknown to most espescially myself. I had not the slightest idea that a carryover was coming. not until the arrival of an old friend from the city of angels had arrived.

his arrival brought forth the sins carried from that town. attached to him. and with him, he brought forth to the masses the true speculated story. slowly. and division. camps were set up and knives were out. this would be it. for a few months. and for a few months, these division were fraught with the inability to upkeep anything. and we all became lost in the battle. it wasn’t purely bc of him. but it was partly bc of this friend. this friend brought for the personality attribute that has caused some distance between him and the man and the woman. his controversey and sermons on morals and values and his often audacious nature to feel he believes when he speaks at the pulpit. many should adhere to his sermons and reflect what he says. he means well. but often times can be caught up in his own self love. and believes that others would be available willing to here it and adhere to it. this just doesn’t quite happening. his meddling instead brought forth the issue to the fore.  and caused a ruckus to which wasn’t healed until months later. when his self-imposed explusion brought back calm. the woman and the man.

loose lips sank. and newsflash became saluted slogans and stirred the spectators into action. but this all came to pass. the woman and the man. seem to grow hardened by the day. jealously, envy, love, lust and atonement were all becoming the march toward the eventual.

and now, the man has realized the beauty, which he never considered ugly but knew that the woman sang him the music that he always loved.

the second woman and her time, are slowly coming to an end. an end, we all saw coming. no longer the safe and easy and relative one. but what will the man do? will he once again minim himself in life. its all hard to say. will the woman still take him back? will she let herself be open to such a volitale time again. while the past is no indicator what a ’she & him’ could be.

we all agree on one thing.

they are best served being with eachother. very rarely do you meet two whom you know whom you believe are really meant to be. you see the looks they give and laughter they create and you realize, you could be witnessing something akin to <i><b>mirabile dictu.</i></b>

how does this pertain to our american values class? well, to be frank and honest, it does and it doesn’t. values are placed on a pedestal in one’s mind. we treasure love like the upmost saint. we all subscribe and deal with it in different ways but in some ways, love is like the quote from corinthians. it is patient and ultimately it is kind. its optimism and hope can bring even some of the most ardent pessimists to their knees and abade for nothing and a nary declination isn’t even required. time came through for her, even in the most accepted of hearts. a labour of love. a battle in the trenches in which emotions could’ve bursted like the bombs above. but they didn’t this speaks like a love lorn cross. it isn’t that easy.

but the woman never abated her desire. not once. no one was allowed her to vitiate her claim to what she sought to rightfully share. even with a blemish to his record and standing, he believed was true but wasn’t. they eventually, like the values of those before them, could achieve that unadulterated bliss. and again, the woman never saw a <b><i>MÉALLIANCE</i></b> with him. she might have in the beginning, but she didn’t. she remained chacun À sa gout.

complicated further by les affaires du couer. and now he is starting to see her as the a caelo usque ad centrum. how is this. for now, hopefully, they can move forward. or as they say in latin, de integro.

okay I usually don’t like to go on some vitriolic rant about religion, faith and beliefs but its high time and I’ve been seen far too many posts in all three of my blogs about this ‘problem’ that everyone seems to have an opinion on lately. but it seems everyone is writing in a very acerbic tone that is piercing my intellectual devotion.

now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to accuse anyone group of being wrong or right of anything. but what really seems to be irritating me lately is the little battle going on between the two groups of ‘faithfuls.’ I’m very laissez-faire when it comes to religion, much like people are in their political views. some people have beliefs that reach on both sides of the aisle that doesn’t make them a Republican, Democrat, Liberal, Conservative, Realist, Progressive, Nose Picker, whatever. and I really don’t like to be pigeon holed into any subtext or denomination. my parents believe I’m agnostic. so thats fine. so I understand. I sympathize. but I also have a problem with a flood of these so called ‘arguments’ lately.

on the Christian side, it seems many have dedicated themselves to the preaching need to promote ‘Pascal’s Wager.’ if you don’t what it is, here’s a symposia of it. <br> If you believe in God and you’re wrong, you didn’t lose anything. But if you don’t believe in God and you’re wrong then you will go to hell. so don’t be an atheist, its just bad. just be a believer, whether you believe it or not. and you’re mostly doing this as a time spender to past boredom by. but you’ll die eventually. so you might as well skip that part and pick a side.</br> there are many flaws to this. just in the text alone. by basically stating its in your own self interest to believe in God, even if it has no consequence to your life is a bit absurd.

the statement alone is meant to induce a fear and strike a promotion into the rank and file of the Christian faith. but I could deconstruct this even more but Voltaire already did enough of that and if his writings are a bit too dense then try reading Diderot’s arguments against it.

I don’t simply feel the need to follow. but I also believe it to be a fatally flawed logic. by forcing someone into a submission of faith completely disavows the needed tolerance that is often so flowery preach by the more liberal minded of the christian faithful.

when I approached one of these bloggers with my de spinozistic beliefs, they merely discounted me as ‘not of the types they wanted.’ what this meant, I had no idea but I didn’t believe such an orderly reprieve would be condemned so quickly. apparently the very introduction of such thought was considered ‘heretic.’ which lies with my biggest problem with those of preaching faithful of christianity. this closed off belief and lack of open mindedness that has backtracked progressive individual desires and science by a few hundred years is clearly the reason why so many get turned off by it.

we don’t like being told what to do, even more so than someone so arrogant to make it a law. (ie: those that aren’t agaisnt Ghey Marriage). it almost seems like they like to be contrarian to any passing fade that comes their way or might even be considered a ‘challenge’ to their authority on the rule of the land. think about it? who’s really kept back progressive ideals for the last 1,000 years? it certainly hasn’t been atheists. though who knows, if they were the ones kept in power, I’m sure philosophy itself probably wouldn’t be allowed to be in existence. as anyone knows, those people are just as bad at suppression of ideals contrary to their own much like the Christians were to the very harmless idea of the world being round.

and oh lord, will you please stop condemning people? stop acting like you’re some benevolent understanding human being when you can barely stomach anything less than the uniform combination of belief and personality blended into one folded ideal. it borders on fascist narcissism. but thats what you strive for right? one belief under one gawd but only your interpretation right? the interpretation from one of the three books? preferably the second one, yes.

yet the even continued argument by christians that people who don’t follow gawd often follow a life that lacks any moral convictions and are often of the most perilous individuals that walk the earth. trust me, this isn’t the case. when’s the last time you heard of a ‘crazed atheist’ on a rampage? beside the nutcase who wants to get rid of gawd from the pledge of allegiance, even though, if he knew history, which he doesn’t obviously, then he would know it was added to merely separate us from the ‘gawd-less’ communists and its purpose was political. not bc the politicians in washington were meant to convert everyone. to most kids who recite it, its just a word. I didn’t even think about it every morning as a child reciting it at the beginning of class. it was just something we said like a script. it didn’t change my beliefs for the day other than I thought ‘okay only six more hours left.’

oh and now the Atheists. to preface this, for those who are unfamiliar, this isn’t labeled to all atheists as there are many different types (yes, my religious friends…much you don’t like being called protestant when you’re a catholic, there are many types of atheists) from the practical types to the scientific types to the anthropocentric types. its really none of those that I feel are doing anything wrong.

I mean, I agree with the pratical argument of it all. that a belief in gawd is needed for some inspiration or motivation in life isn’t quite what I believe. not that I’m discounting those that are divinely inspired but I just find that gawd has no purpose in my aspirations, ambitions or happiness. nor does if there is a spiritual divine, is it concerned with the fates and actions of human beings.

the ones that irk me are the ones that rant on like Bill O’Reily at a Liberal Dinner Party. the ones that sound very much like a christian preacher with a different script. I mean, seriously, read your writing, listen to your self speak and actually think what you’re doing. are you doing anything different than of the opposite of what you’re fighting? no, you’re not. you claim to think that you are bc you don’t use gawd, fear or threats and that you’re not the close minded one that you’re fighting against. you’re a bit wrong.

and use a better argument, for _________ sakes. I mean. something cleaver, perhaps? instead of using the argument for the existence of evil in the world or metaphysical non-evidence of its existence. if you’re really that concerned about making your point than do it without conversion in your mind. bc its simply what you’re extolling about to the masses you want. you want them to think what you think. otherwise, you wouldn’t be making these claims and presenting this evidence. and trust me, you’ve got a lot of other things you can claim than the weak willed arguments that many of you have already made. trust me, you’re winning about as many points in a race like a greyhound at the Kentucky Derby.

I’ve heard enough criticisms from both sides to make this point perfectly clear. yeah, I like my side of the argument. considered weak by atheists and christians alike bc I can’t fully dedicate myself to their single uniform. bc I refuse to wear their colours. give me a fucking break. and your use of illustrating the bad use of religion for leaders is needless. you can point out the many lunatic religious leaders but remember your belief has spawned some of the most ruthless leaders like Ataturk, Stahlin, Pol Pot and Mao Zedong. so remember, humanity has always leaders of both ’sides’ that were bad. try not too claim the high road that your leaders are reasonable. as there is no such thing in this world that you claim to be apart of and are making better. for leaders have been evil too. such as. oh man.

but in regards to both arguers: the sad part is that all of these people are of the solipsistic variety. editing their arguments with occam’s razor. trying to edit and re-edit their points through cuts and cleaver misuse like a dirty political spindoctor. musing on about how RIGHT they are and how WRONG you must be. for if you don’t believe in their argument, you’re a moron. this is becoming the norm in the very highly chargin I’ve been reading lately from all sides. each one taking a scripts from the others and changing the tone to be far more condescending and prosaic at the same time. but each one is very blasé.

there are civilized ways about going about this and not declaring that civilization is at its nadir bc you’re not following what they (you know who you are) believe in. To many Atheists, its the belief that you can’t prove the physical existence of Gawd or God that is the majority of their arguments. what they don’t get is that people who do believe are not basing their faith on a physical manifestation of Gawd. they simply aren’t. yet stupidly, like some crazed Reverend, they enact an intricate and complicated method of manipulation like their Christian rivals and end up being the very person they are fighting. or presenting the idiotic tablets and youtube videos of some crazed reverend even though their own group is filled with such idiocy. pressing their beliefs and preaching their will onto someone who simply has already made up their mind.

Christians by very definition, the lunatic fringe especially is bad. with their awful guilt trip ridden rhetoric and threats of violent induction by historical nature and by definition are not the peaceful bunch they so claim to be. you know what, no one really knows. there’s no science to prove anything or everything that can be made. a religion of any form is an act of faith and you’re just as blind to believe one person as you are to believe another person. whether you believe in God, Muhammad, Buddha, Richard Dawkins or the Toothfairy, you’re still subscribing yourself to something. you still write something in that little box when you do your census form. you’re still a part of something. whether you like it or not. sure you can argue that I just made a simple argument. that people, everyone, has a belief and ‘worships’ things. while holding something dear doesn’t necessarily constitute worship, it sure is close. unless you got some existential word or idea, if you’re working, you’re obviously worshiping money and power. sure, you can go on that we all do. both sides do this. see? you agree on something. now focus that something more productive. like your fantasy football team or your wife.

so I beg of you, through your own hypocrisy, christians, muslims, jews and atheists, to just shut the fuck up. neither one of is right and neither of you is wrong. I find interests in everything. I’m not saying this to make myself feel superior but the act of an enlightened mind is through keeping it open. by closing yourself off to one argument you understand why others closes themselves off to your arguments. yet quite frankly, when you begin to preach, you begin to make others nauseous, uncomfortable and come off as nothing short of a blow hard who’s desperately trying to spread their gospel to anyone who will listen. many of these people simply have made up their mind. so don’t even bother. preach to the choir and debate amongst yourselves. and keep the name calling to a minimum.

people wonder why there isn’t peace in this world. and you people are at the very core of it. but you know what? the proof of the existence of their argument is their burden alone. and often times when forced to prove these arguments to a skeptic already, they logically hold fast to an argument that doesn’t work and can not survive. therefore, the rationalé is considered flawed by the skeptic. and the circle will go on and on. but that’s just it. why? why do you care so much?

I’ve lately decided to subscribe to the belief of ‘que sera sera’ in meaning that ‘whatever will be, will be.’ does that mean I’m a ‘weak atheist’ bc I’m agnostic, according to my atheist friends? fine. I don’t care. does that mean I subscribe Baruch de Spinoza’s beliefs that things unfold for a reason by association of fate, according to my hardcore christian friends? sure. I don’t care. I’ve got my beliefs. but I don’t think you need to know or you even care. so why care what others believe? you believe what you want.

its your choice, gawd given or not.

When one is a writer, one must realize that you face an audience of strangers. Esp. when you’re a writer of a blog. you have no realization of whom is reading this, criticizing this or even considering it a musing into their derlicition of travels during their days. But one can come to the realization that if when you decide you know whom that audience is, you can no longer take comfort in writing what you want. 

you know you have a certain formula which you must be considered for. but for the most part, it is universally that whomever is reading this beyond the few that admit to reading it. I know about 100 people that read my blog. this one and the livejournal. I have the third mystery blog but that one is under a fake name so that no one really knows who writes it. except that its an expose of politics and culture and where my criticism are at their most honest feel.

but this comes to my latest point. Spring.

Spring time cometh. its interesting what spring brings to the mind. to many its cleansing of the winter cold, the shedding of the frost. the pessmissism that permeated our thinking and our emotions melts away as the sun stays out longer and our ideals widen. its the beginning of many relationships and also the end of many more. its the time of travel and exploration. its a time of pinics and drinking. holidays become more appreciated and the nites last longer. its simply put, the most entertaining of the times of year. it brings the renewed hope that we all craved for when we shed the last year and made toasts to the new year. knowing that with winter fading, our thoughts will soon be made into the comfort of long blankets for the spring which will soon catch us with a heavy sigh and a heavy heart.

with that comes this. everyone begins looking for a mate for the winter. I can not lie. I am too. after shedding two years of baggage and high endtail claims of not wanting to be involved, the last few months have seemingly made me want to be more engaged with people. more importantly, more engaged with women. I dunno why this is. it could be the alcohol talking to me on a somewhat empty stomach. it could be seeing everyone else around participate in happy, healthy relationships and could be that feeling of being left in the dust. soon, I will be the one alone. As Dave, Molly, Justin, Donald, etc become more involved with their mates, I will have to seek out the company of other singletons, only to see them engaged. it has really got me thinking.

now, I still have my standards. one in particular, has met many of these standards. but I don’t believe the feeling to be mutual. at least our lack of consistent contact would allude to it.

this also got me thinking about sex lately. to me, Sex is a cliché as overrated as a Star Trek flim. There are many things about sex that is often left in the world of fantasy. Sex can be at times, very funny. how do I know this? just this once when you have sex, get a video tape out and record it. and then watch it. and look at yourself in action. you will laugh. guaranteed. I kid you not. count the grunts and sing along to the songs being made from those moans. you will get a kick out of it. 
speaking of funny, the talk during sex can be more comical than an episode of Seinfeld. I only say this bc I’ve encountered some women who are horrible at it. and don’t get me wrong, I don’t have some high number or anything, I’m just saying the ones I’ve heard, well. you get the point, I mean, nobody talks like their in a porno in ‘real’ sex. 

I mean, have you ever said, ‘oh fuck me big boy harder with monster cock’ or have you ever heard, ’suck it, suck it. right on. in your mouth.’ no. at least I haven’t. you know what I hear? ‘have you gone yet?’ or the most common one, ‘ouch, teeth, teeth!!’ and most of the time, I hear ‘oh man, what was that?’ but there are some other very real ones. I’ll omit them for now. but this also goes with this that I had to make very clear to a friend today that, I dunno about women but MEN, yes, the males, THINK during sex. 

I for one do all the time. I get distracted not from the physical act of it all but I do think about baseball, homework, music or other things during sex. does it subtract from the pleasure? nope. most of the time, the time when the women thinks I’m going to the long midnite mile is bc I’m thinking what I would be like running a mile. or something to that effect. and don’t forget, heterosexual sex is all about the opposites and what’s more opposite than my penis? its trying to find your vagina. yes, I wrote both words in one sentence. sometimes, we just need a direction. just like sometimes you need to ask the author of the book about some points. 

which leads to me to believe this also, like the author’s intrepretation to a book, I’ve noticed not all women orgasm the same. some take a very long time. no man can just go plow his way through, get a static vibration, a moan and a chorus of screams and expect the woman will be off. it just isn’t true. the worse part is trying to figure out if they had one or not. some act the same way they did when you entered them as they are when they have one. not that I would want her to announce it. its not a race or anything. but nobody ever announces it anyways. they just have them. moving, heaving. it would be cool to have a manual that describes their heaving. gives me a clue. a lot of times I don’t like having one if she hasn’t had one. just seems selfish. 

and please, no gential euphemisms. unless you’re writing a play or telling me a funny story. it just sounds weird to me to hear you call my penis ‘the magic steak kibab wand’ during sex just like you wouldn’t like to hear me call yours ‘hairy humble pie.’ just think about it. and push the senses.

I love the smell. really? I guess. I mean, the smell of a woman’s hair is very unique to their description. is she like Honey Dew Boba? or is she like Read Meat and Bud? I dunno. but it helps. trust me. the more pleasant to the senses, the better. even a pussyfart is a welcomed addition. 

also, I just wanted to add that sex is a very real thing. people act uninhibited and unafraid, they shed the character they build for themselves during the day time when they are with someone they love at nite. its true. when you jump into that bed, nuzzle at her neck, naked…you don’t care what you look like or what you say? why is that? I wish I knew. but all of our conscience feelings that we carry around like unwanted baggage just burns away. when with that person, we’re excited, hopefuly, never full of any doubt, and never with shame. bc you’re with that person. THAT person. its estacey and deeply emotional. you never know anything better. its bliss, its joy. yes, you’re vulernable and yes, you have some doubts, but thats what makes us human. 

it has emotions that keep us connected and bonded. people wonder why a break up is such a hard thing to deal with. sex. thats it. I say this with a heavy heart full of hope though. no sarcasm or pessissism. none. bc if you want sex without emotion, go watch a porno.

and if you really want to get what I’m getting at, read ‘the song of songs.’ its a delight, it was the one fascinating read I had in a semester of a learning about the history of sex was reading that book. yes, I read Sappho and Aenied and other things but it was the Song of Songs that struck me. its like an instructional manual to the art of sex. but its deeply ingrained emotion is so poetic that one can not but help and wonder what is the deeper bond being felt.

its easy to state without discourse or affair, that she is. but I’m racked with insecurity as I am, I know, I go for the conclusion that it’ll be just a friendship. mostly bc my sister and other various female friends once told me that most women aren’t coy about their attraction toward someone and are a lot more forward than one may preceive. 

sometimes, the guy just is too dense to know it. with me, I over analyze, a ‘no reply’ to an email or rejection to an invitation is enough to have my hopes dashed and crumbled.

and I retreat from said attraction and block it out of my mind. a no call back from a voicemail will ultimately result in my own self-created humilation and embrassment and I often times retreat from ever acting normal in front of them. though temporarily. I go back to being a friend and the attraction dissipates just as quickly.

its become protocal, verbatim and routine. it happens. 

I assume at most times, I am always pursuing the woman with the heart that is not the easiest to fill. usually it is the one with a hole the size of a pindrop, more often its a puncture that can not be fixed. 

often times, I really don’t know what I want. which happens to be the root of it all. I know that for the past year, I’ve befriend every woman I’ve been attracted to. its become habit and routine. I haven’t done the actual rite of courtship where one asks one out in nearly a year.

but the problem is that whenever I think about the horrors of my last relationships, I almost am afraid that the new girl may have such attributes that drove me away in the first place. so I shutter. and retreat. 

some have criticism about me. offering that I am ‘persnickety’ and often times analytical to point of where my romance becomes paused. well. its true. and that I maybe due to this avoid it bc maybe I don’t want to be in a relationship. but what does one know? I don’t know. 

now, thats not too say I don’t like being single. I do. I like waking up at my own time. I like not having to compromise my autonomy, I don’t like going to farmers markets or antique shopping. but I’m also on the search for more. not bc I want to not be single but I want to see if there is someone out there that makes being single, look boring. 

where exploration turns into an adventure. when the acid thrill of the first kiss, first night, first date, first weekend, first awkward moment become scrapbook memories filling from back of your mind and new pages await to be filled. 

where you find someone who is to you, while being wrapped in the cold of winter, her beauty is like gazing at twilight in summer like acoup de foudre.

prospects? there are a few. my friends seem to believe they all know someone who is my type. co-workers, best friends, friends of friends. I guess I don’t feel the need to go beyond the benefits of these invitations. and one by one, I shall open each envelope, read the contents and evaluate my situation. so here I go. sailing toward El Dorado.