its funny how at Christmas time, our human nature devolve ourselves into a sign of the times. we show our greatest potential at this time. we give way to mercy and compassion. we give way to love and the seasons. we see a small glimpse of what we are capable of for just a few short weeks where selfish convictions go by the wayside and we determine ourselves in the spirit of giving. we awaken on Christmas morning, sometimes with the giddy laughter we had as a child sometimes with the warmth of our hearts, simply applied from a smile and a sense of joy. we have a love and sympathy for the suffering in the world. we poor our change into donations at the little red can outside the shop as a volunteer rings in the generosity with one quick swing of his or her’s bell like a reindeer sleighing through on Christmas Eve. But this will all fade. Once the holidays are over that change that come over us for a brief shiny few weeks will melt away like the snow in the April. and with it, so will everything else. every year, the story ends the same. we start the year on a high note. full of dreams and acting the role of a fool as a dreamer and every year it ends the same. thats just human nature. and thats just the way we are.
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Torch Songs and Tone Poems
oh dear, my loves.
I have neglected you. so much has happened, so little I assume you’re interested in.
through out the months, I’ve donated time and money to the barack obama campaign, while I may not have worked the hours that come of my peers did, I still did my part up until election day. and I am glad, for once, to see results that has worked in my favor. in 2006, I felt a glimmer of hope was coming and it became a watershed moment on the path to a new era of liberalism in America.
anyways. I’ve been a funk. lately. I feel like a very little person. someone recently referred to me as the ‘ugly one’ and it shattered my confidence like no other. I’ll admit. the last two years haven’t been the most successful. I shouldn’t measure mine agaisnt someone else but its discouraging. I’ve had nothing. for two years. I’ve been alone. and its been lonely. the battle seems very hard and trying.
on friday, a friend of mine gave me the answer I suspected about her friend. that there just isn’t any interest beyond a possibly small physical one that is probably just a moment of fleeting desires for something of fulfillment to help out a need. There’s been a lot of these lately. I used to feel above the fray and now, I feel like a tiny little person in a world where nobody is even aware of me. I could go on and on. and I don’t think it would be noticeable.
I dunno maybe I’ll find another person. maybe I won’t. I’ve started to give up as a man. lonliness won’t be cured by anyone but myself. lately, I feel like I’ve been in a state of a dream or a very serene nightmare. I’ve desired for that ever lasting search for reverie only to be let down by the revelation. often times, my confidence was being fed together by some Amniotic fluid that I am unable to hold some sort effable hold onto what I want. its quite a disaster for me lately.
in a perfect world, this band, this pursuit of love would seem to me a dream. a dream where I outlive and perform the dream in all of its glory and pitfalls but along the way, the creatures of the dark have been coming forward and creeping their way about the stage where my performance is being held.
I know I could look back at these days if I am older and think about it as a lost proposition for something more. I could wonder and wander aimlessly and think about the songs I never wrote, the play I never starred in, the painting I never began.
I don’t really want to think about it. but it creeps one me. most of all I fear, in a way that could seem devastingly possible, is about the missed opportunity of a love that I never proposed to.
I could write and write this and this could be the minor key ballad of the end credits of when my show is complete. it might possibly be, about all the chances I’ve missed.
Life to me seems to be a never ending teasing filled with playfullness and tragedy. the tragedies are what we make of it. we remember the good and the beautiful on our death beds. those last instances, where we have a chance to die in peace with those of the ones we loved by our side, we remember in a flash all of the wonderful things in all of those little places where we would go out and play.
yet we remember the tragedy for a life time.
for me…the tragedy at the moment lies in my lonliness and fiancial peril. to me the beautiful woman with a big smile. the one I so dearly miss and have never met.
In my age of 21, I decided while living alone in apartment in the ghetto of Daly City to immerse myself in the readings of Oscar Wilde and George Bernard Shaw. I really had no other friends except the imaginary ones I read about wondered why those adventures were not mine. there was one quote in particular, which was the basis for non-basis of this post.
You see things as they are and ask, “Why?” I dream things as they never were and ask, “Why not?”
- George Bernard Shaw
the year of chicago.
forgive me if you feel I’m going to jinx this. but could this be their year?
now I only say this to you in superficial terms in terms asthetic pleasing. as I don’t live in the city nor do I know of any other inter workings or interests in their local politics. I can’t quoted for community trends, inward observations other than that I have read from a national level.
but I can say with some qualification is that, I believe that, this year could be their year.
the year a bi-racial president is elected and with one voice, we say to the world, that we have walked away from our past. we have moved onto into the 21st century and that together as Americans, we have shown years of progress that have finally culmulated into the first bi-racial and african american President. a man who is the essence of movement and a child of a new world order in which the color of your skin is no longer seen as the factor of your ability to delievery on promise and change. that the sins of an older generation are slowly being cleansed from the stain of our fingers and the lingering conservative nature of our conscientiousness is no longer a viable solution to the problems that face our country. that together, black, white, latino that we can extend the hands to our brothers and sisters and find a sense of opportunity for advancement and that nothing, no one and no place is ever going to hold us back. that he became who he was from an international stage and owned his craft in one of the most of racially segregated cities in America, is testament to the breaking down of barriers that were often seen as too high to climb and too hard to overcome.
and yet here he is. the first minority to ascend to the top of a presidential ticket. on the precipice of a victory in the most important election in 20 years. when historians look back at this year, they will see that when handed this opportunity, America, rose up, stood up and together, we said ‘yes, we can.’ when offered a chance to show to the past and declare to the future that the American dream and the american promise is still there and its not just available to the elite. but available to all.
even the Blackhawks have come back from the graveyard of sports team dynasty. with shrew drafting and a promising young core of players from their goalie to Patrick Kane to Brian Campbell, this team is lock and loaded like the Ducks team of 2007. they’re young, brash and full of a glow intended only to shine in June in hoisting up Lord Stanely’s Cup, the most revered trophy in sports. in a game that is played with speed and finesse this club has the options, and the depth and the team to come out on top. by adding a top of the line defenseman with suberb offensive skills like watching Tom Brady on ice, its a wonder why many others in Chicago don’t see it coming. but coming, they are. and mark my words, they could be hoisting the Stanely Cup in June. with a ticker tape parade. processions in the streets and hatchets all but buried on a past that many will soon forget like an old receipt. they’re ready for it. and for anyone else that stands in their way as well.
yet in the rest of the city, the population is preparing for sports in a fashion that hasn’t been around since world war II. the city is quickly becoming a sports hot bed filled with teams with the potential to succeed and claim victory. its universities are creating a furor in the college sports world with competing teams and its professional level can possibly claim four championships this year. from the MLS Chicago Fire, who’s spirited and passionate fans chant in unison like a choir preaching to the faithful that a championship is due and that their very own superstar, a jocose figure of a man, Blanco is far more entertaining that a shirtless Brit from Los Angelese. They are coming toward a championship.
Even the Chicago Bears are seen as possible contenders two years removed from their last Super Bowl appearance. re armed and re tooled the team is ready for it again. with menacing juggernauts in their ways, the team has improved a flaky offense and regroup and reunited a defense considered one of the best in the league. With Urlancher and co. ready to rush the gates, they’re a team to be seen.
but most of all, what is Chicago without its too cursed teams? the Sox and Cubbies are seen together fighting for their baseball lives as a season hangs on in the balance. much like a horse race that goes the distance or the tortoise that runs agaisnt the hare, the Cubs and the Sox are ready for battle and are approaching the post season with a cautious optimism that can only be found in the forum of Wrigley Field. The Cubs will flirt for the first time with a championship with a team armed with a brimming confidence last seen on the idiots of the Boston Red Sox of 2004. Curses? to them, they’re not even old enough to remember such a time or even have the word tattooed to their conscience. yet they bulldoze on to a finish line with very little in resistence, a team from top to bottom the darling of the league and built meticulously through trades, drafts and sacrifice. for the first time since 2003, the team is entering with high hopes and high expectations and the league is waiting for it to happen.
may this be the year that Chicago rose to its feet and said. ‘yes, we can.’
if I’m going crazy, then crazy is just in between
I have a confession to admit.
I feel sick. really sick. I’ve been trying to hide it but for intents and purposes. at times, the pain is unbearable. I try to hide it. it comes and goes. yesterday it was there and saturday it was worse. I vomited at work and felt like I couldn’t drive or see properly.
I dunno what’s going on but I feel physically, like I’m falling apart. a part of me wants to go see a dr now. and a part of me believes it will just pass. I believe it will. but at times like today, I just feel like going to sleep. but everything seems to be a dizzying something.
my side aches. my stomach has been feeling as though anytime I eat can’t be kept down without some sort of fight. I don’t urinate with consistency. and its frequency is alarming. if I had to really describe it on a scale, it would be an 11 at times. like saturday nite.
today its been okay. but who knows tomorrow.
in the end we lie awake and dream of making our escape.
Summer has really started to hit. the late days. I love them.
a few things to touch down on. I realize I know certain people that do read this blog. even if its meant to be purely a cathartic thing but for me, its all the realeasing of some pent up anger and aggression, mostly toward people I don’t know or everyone else doesn’t know.
the one thing that has bugged me lately has been the election and a two topics that do come to mind.
one is the term of elitism that is being bandied about as if it was some sort of insult. at one time, elitism used to be a word of admiration as we all aspired to work hard and become part of the elite. the elite to me weren’t the snobby rich old money colonialist sons and daughters. to me it was people who worked hard for their money. they worked hard in school and worked hard at home. they fought and made it to the top. and for that, they have earn our respect for not being part of some social circle mearly a hero to the many as a member of the few.
now, many people are using this term as some sort of insult. kind of in the sad way that we mock people who pursue knowledge and taunt them and call them nerds or geeks. to me, thats a badge of honor, to be considered someone who is the constant pursuit of knowledge and has a general interest in continual learning. for others, its a disparaging remark that is bad as a racial slur. I dunno where this comes from.
but I dunno about you but I kind of want a member of the elite running this country. if a doctor is going to perform my knee surgery, I want an elite surgeon. and if someone’s going to be elected President I certainly don’t want it to be one of my friends either. I mean, my friends are smart people but not educated enough to be an elite president. you wouldn’t want your best friends as President, right?
the other thing that has been coming up is race.
an article came up that had a dilemma of either calling Barack from the bi-racial category or as black. which to choose? the media has dubbed him as black. but he always calls on his white heritage as well. people say he considers himself a black man, but does he really? I think everyone else without a brain does. is he a black man? yes. is he also a white man? yes.
I mean, I believe this will be a central issue in the times to come. it wasn’t until recently did I see a check mark on the box that asked me if I was beyond ‘other.’ I mean, I saw ‘two or more races’ in 2004 for the first time ever. it excited me. I went through that weird phase my entire life trying to decide what race I really am. am I asian? but my last name is Johnson? am I white? but most of the relatives I grew up with are asian. so what am I? Asian see me as nothing other than white. they see my eye shapes and nose and automatically assume that I’m white. White people see me and they think I’m either latino or something else. and are puzzled at reading my name aloud.
I dunno. now I’m just plain pissed now that I’ve written this.
In happy news. I’ve started seeing someone. now I know that I don’t ever comment on my personal life. but lately, I’ve been in a pretty good mood. the flowers seem to smell different, the sun seems to shine in a different direction and for the most part, there is a stirring of confidence in the year. I dunno if its a combination of things.
but for the most part. she’s pretty amazing. and thats all I can say about that. I could say more. but I’ll save those praises and admirations for her.
http://forafriend.tumblr.com/ is my other blog from tumblr bc the other one just got too clogged with crap. so go for this one for pictures. its nice.
anyways, I’m going to make an attempt to string for a study break probably with futile failure. but I guess I’ll try going to bed if all else fails.
Sous La Soliel Dome
I haven’t updated this thing in a long time.
I also realized with my thickness in regards to grammer, that its no small feat I receieved an email why I had discontinued this blog. I haven’t. neglected? yes. I have. but not on purpose merely bc my thoughts and ideas have been distracted and have given way to other projects, people and personalities. its been a trying month. the month of may has been and its barely over. too many issues, tribulations and desires have been accumilating for months at the very chance to be discovered.
this is not far off. but one has to be aware. one story brings me to my mind. a story with so many twists and turns, its a wonder that anyone can ever really trace where it veered so terribly off course. of course, many know this anguishing story of love and lust. no, this story is not autobiographical but it is instead a story where the two main characters are not me at all or some sort of analogy for me. I will bore you details of my own stories later on in the post.
but as for this story. I wrote this for my final paper. I’ve broken it down a bit.
one day a man, heartbrokened after many months, decided to exonerate himself from his past failures and decided the time to move forward was coming. no longer loathing into self-dount and self-conscieness, he decided his time had come and he was ready to embrace a woman as a partner.
no longer could he absolve himself from trials and tribulation of a relationship or remit watchfullness to a degree that promote the most slackerish of tendency in terms of nuture and care for someone else. as early as possible, he decreed he was back in the game. at this turn of a events entered a woman. she too herself, having been badly burned decided, she would remain cautious but possibly optimistic. what was to go on? I had hardly the clue but I figured a more formal introduction could be had.
so two meet up, cautiously. the woman decides, she had been burn onced by someone who had a relationship with me and therefore, trust and faith in my prospect had to be given at arms length, as much as she wanted to submit to the alter, get down to one knee and opine for delieverence and faith, she merely couldn’t bear to stomach one more. the twist of another nocent wound that would heal but eventually turn into a scar.
feeling contrite to her plight, as only I can, I decide to merely nudge but not push. while I build him up a little, a direct declaration is made on her part. she remains tutelary to her own ambitions and without hesitation, sticks to it. this is extended and worded to the man. the man, takes this at face value, and doesn’t show a inch of movement in his reponse. his face weathered and worn down, had expected this wouldn’t be it. the woman’s response, muted as well.
they engage. what happens becomes a matter of speculation. assisted by our lively imaginations and there limited comments on the matter, none of the spectators involve are able to paint a picture of their happenings. but as quickly as it started, it was supposively over in my mind. the man meets another and decides to engage with her. seeing her as the safe and relative reliable pick of the two, he moves on. for reasons, that still remain foreign to the me, the woman, is casted to the side. a sidenote I would not know was happening. as far as I knew, it was mutual. she simply wanted no part of a committement.
but she became peccant. and she knew it. months later, there I was, shamefaced at the whole ordeal. yet, I feel exculpated. my involvement was minimal esp. as I became one of the last to figure out this mystery. unfortunately, during the interweaving months, the woman, her interest grew and grew. unknown to most espescially myself. I had not the slightest idea that a carryover was coming. not until the arrival of an old friend from the city of angels had arrived.
his arrival brought forth the sins carried from that town. attached to him. and with him, he brought forth to the masses the true speculated story. slowly. and division. camps were set up and knives were out. this would be it. for a few months. and for a few months, these division were fraught with the inability to upkeep anything. and we all became lost in the battle. it wasn’t purely bc of him. but it was partly bc of this friend. this friend brought for the personality attribute that has caused some distance between him and the man and the woman. his controversey and sermons on morals and values and his often audacious nature to feel he believes when he speaks at the pulpit. many should adhere to his sermons and reflect what he says. he means well. but often times can be caught up in his own self love. and believes that others would be available willing to here it and adhere to it. this just doesn’t quite happening. his meddling instead brought forth the issue to the fore. and caused a ruckus to which wasn’t healed until months later. when his self-imposed explusion brought back calm. the woman and the man.
loose lips sank. and newsflash became saluted slogans and stirred the spectators into action. but this all came to pass. the woman and the man. seem to grow hardened by the day. jealously, envy, love, lust and atonement were all becoming the march toward the eventual.
and now, the man has realized the beauty, which he never considered ugly but knew that the woman sang him the music that he always loved.
the second woman and her time, are slowly coming to an end. an end, we all saw coming. no longer the safe and easy and relative one. but what will the man do? will he once again minim himself in life. its all hard to say. will the woman still take him back? will she let herself be open to such a volitale time again. while the past is no indicator what a ’she & him’ could be.
we all agree on one thing.
they are best served being with eachother. very rarely do you meet two whom you know whom you believe are really meant to be. you see the looks they give and laughter they create and you realize, you could be witnessing something akin to <i><b>mirabile dictu.</i></b>
how does this pertain to our american values class? well, to be frank and honest, it does and it doesn’t. values are placed on a pedestal in one’s mind. we treasure love like the upmost saint. we all subscribe and deal with it in different ways but in some ways, love is like the quote from corinthians. it is patient and ultimately it is kind. its optimism and hope can bring even some of the most ardent pessimists to their knees and abade for nothing and a nary declination isn’t even required. time came through for her, even in the most accepted of hearts. a labour of love. a battle in the trenches in which emotions could’ve bursted like the bombs above. but they didn’t this speaks like a love lorn cross. it isn’t that easy.
but the woman never abated her desire. not once. no one was allowed her to vitiate her claim to what she sought to rightfully share. even with a blemish to his record and standing, he believed was true but wasn’t. they eventually, like the values of those before them, could achieve that unadulterated bliss. and again, the woman never saw a <b><i>MÉALLIANCE</i></b> with him. she might have in the beginning, but she didn’t. she remained chacun À sa gout.
complicated further by les affaires du couer. and now he is starting to see her as the a caelo usque ad centrum. how is this. for now, hopefully, they can move forward. or as they say in latin, de integro.
