its easy to state without discourse or affair, that she is. but I’m racked with insecurity as I am, I know, I go for the conclusion that it’ll be just a friendship. mostly bc my sister and other various female friends once told me that most women aren’t coy about their attraction toward someone and are a lot more forward than one may preceive.
sometimes, the guy just is too dense to know it. with me, I over analyze, a ‘no reply’ to an email or rejection to an invitation is enough to have my hopes dashed and crumbled.
and I retreat from said attraction and block it out of my mind. a no call back from a voicemail will ultimately result in my own self-created humilation and embrassment and I often times retreat from ever acting normal in front of them. though temporarily. I go back to being a friend and the attraction dissipates just as quickly.
its become protocal, verbatim and routine. it happens.
I assume at most times, I am always pursuing the woman with the heart that is not the easiest to fill. usually it is the one with a hole the size of a pindrop, more often its a puncture that can not be fixed.
often times, I really don’t know what I want. which happens to be the root of it all. I know that for the past year, I’ve befriend every woman I’ve been attracted to. its become habit and routine. I haven’t done the actual rite of courtship where one asks one out in nearly a year.
but the problem is that whenever I think about the horrors of my last relationships, I almost am afraid that the new girl may have such attributes that drove me away in the first place. so I shutter. and retreat.
some have criticism about me. offering that I am ‘persnickety’ and often times analytical to point of where my romance becomes paused. well. its true. and that I maybe due to this avoid it bc maybe I don’t want to be in a relationship. but what does one know? I don’t know.
now, thats not too say I don’t like being single. I do. I like waking up at my own time. I like not having to compromise my autonomy, I don’t like going to farmers markets or antique shopping. but I’m also on the search for more. not bc I want to not be single but I want to see if there is someone out there that makes being single, look boring.
where exploration turns into an adventure. when the acid thrill of the first kiss, first night, first date, first weekend, first awkward moment become scrapbook memories filling from back of your mind and new pages await to be filled.
where you find someone who is to you, while being wrapped in the cold of winter, her beauty is like gazing at twilight in summer like acoup de foudre.
prospects? there are a few. my friends seem to believe they all know someone who is my type. co-workers, best friends, friends of friends. I guess I don’t feel the need to go beyond the benefits of these invitations. and one by one, I shall open each envelope, read the contents and evaluate my situation. so here I go. sailing toward El Dorado.
